The Ping Pong Chronicles
by Luthy Lovett
Summary: Jack challenges everyone to a ping pong tournament, and chaos ensues!
1. The Challenge is Issued

"I bet ye I'm the best at Ping Pong!" exclaimed Captain Jack Sparrow one day. Everyone who was gathered (basically the same as the Secret Obsessions cast, but I'm too lazy to type them all up, so you can go look for yourself. XD) glared at him.

"Now, that's unfair!" sniffed Beckett haughtily, crossing his arms over his chest. "I highly disagree. _I_ am the best at ping pong."

"You are, are ye? Then prove it to me, you bloody chicken." Jack snickered, confident in his ping pong abilities.

But that pesky Beckett wouldn't back down. "GRAWWWK! I AM NOT A CHICKEN, AND I CAN TOO BEAT YOU AT PING PONG!"

Everyone gaped at Beckett. Could he really be serious? Was he really going to challenge Jack- sorry, _Captain_ Jack Sparrow to a ping pong competition?

"Fine then, chicken, have it yer way. In fact," Jack whirled around in a circle, thrusting out his arms, a wide, wild grin on his face. "I think you should _all_ go up against me. A little… tournie, of sorts. Savvy?"

Glances were exchanged, and finally Pintel shoved Ragetti forward.

Glaring at Pintel for forcing him to speak, Ragetti shifted his feet, then finally said, "Alrigh' Cap'n. We'll do your tournament."

Jack raised an eyebrow. "I said, savvy?"

Ragetti sighed, and rolled his wooden eyeball around a bit. "Aye, savvy."

(So, tell me what you think! Should I continue? All ideas and comments people have are welcome!)


	2. Twiggy the Ping Pong Ball

"Okay!" Jack chirped, clapping his hands together. "Let's get started, 'ere!"

But no one heard Jack, because they were all too busy staring at him with their mouths open. Beckett, of course, had his mouth open widest of all, kind of like Keith (if any of you watch Hell's Kitchen, you'll know what I mean.)

"What's wrong wit' ye all? Why are you starin' at me like that?" Jack questioned , giving everyone an odd look, the kind of look that suggested he might be wondering why they were staring at him.

Now, you, my dearest readers, may also be wondering why they were staring at Jack. Well, if you would shut your traps and stop gaping, you would find out.

There. That's better.

Anyway, the reason that they were all staring open-mouthed at Jack was because he had changed into his **_SUPER DUPER PING PONG OUTFIT!_**

You may now be thinking, "So? How bad could it be?"

Well, very bad, in fact.

Jack's S.D.P.P.O. consisted of cowboy boots, lime green zebra-striped pants, a shiny, skin-tight gold shirt, fingerless gloves with "Jack" on the right hand and "Sparrow" on the left, and a sparkly tiara that formed the words "Ping Pong Master".

"Do ye all have a problem with me outfit? 'Cause if ya do, Davy Jones here would be glad to give ye some 'proper punishment'."

Davy Jones nodded. "That I would." He snapped his fingers, and a really weird looking shark-headed dude stomped into the room, cracking a whip. He was foaming at the mouth and his eyes were wild. He roared something and did the Macarena.

"No, no, Jack, we love your outfit!" everyone chorused, even Beckett.

Davy Jones sighed and called off his slobbering maniac of a first mate. "That would've been fun." he pouted.

Jack grinned, "Oh, well. Now… ping pong ball!"

He then proceeded to bound around the room like a little bunny-wunny, trying to find the ping pong ball he so craved.

"Ah! Here it is!" Jack popped up from a large mound of stuffed squirrels. He was proudly holding up a shiny white ping pong ball.

Suddenly, a wild screech was heard, and the monkey (whom we all know and love) flew crazily through the air and snatched the ball from Jack.

"Monkey!" Jack yelped, jumping up and trying to chase the monkey, sending the stuffed squirrels flying in all directions. One hit Elizabeth in the head, and she took ahold of it and chewed it's head off. She offered some to Will, who looked disgusted.

The monkey skittered over to Beckett, yanked down his pants and his drawers (try to block any mental images, here) and rammed the ping pong ball up his butt.

Jack stopped and stared, grossed out.

Beckett's eyes nearly popped out of his head.

The monkey jumped on Barbossa's shoulder.

Barbossa stroked the monkey fondly.

Elizabeth continued eating the stuffed squirrel.

Jack cleared his throat. "Well," he said, clearly traumatized by this whole thing. "That's the last we'll ever see of me ol' mate Twiggy, the ping pong ball. 'Cause there's no way I would ever use it again. Let us have a half second of silence in memorium of Twiggy.

One-half second later:

"Okay! We need a new ping pong ball!" Jack announced.

He looked around, hoping someone would have an idea. Everyone shrugged. When Jack saw Elizabeth, who was still eating the squirrel, he made an ew face.

"Why are ye eatin' a stuffed squirrel?" he aksed her.

She shrugged, and Jack moved onto Ragetti.

"Ah. Ragetti, gimme yer eye."


	3. Let the Games Begin!

And so it was that the gang found themselves gathered around a ping pong table. All of their eyes were glued to Jack, who was waving a ping pong paddle back and forth menacingly.

"'O's goin' ta be the first one ta go up against me?" he shouted, waving it even more furiously.

Everyone blinked at him, and Ragetti and Pintel shuffled back a few steps. That was the last thing they should've done, because their movement caught Jack's eye.

"Ah! One of you, get up 'ere!" Jack barked, his eyes flashing a bit crazily.

Pintel and Ragetti glanced at each other, neither wanting to go. Pintel was getting ready to shove Ragetti forward, when Ragetti whined, "But, Pintel, it's not fair for me ta hafta go up agains' this maniac before ya! He stole me eye- and 'e won't give it back!"

Pintel shrugged, and said, "Tough luck, mate."

And then he shoved Ragetti forward.

"We 'ave a winner!" Jack crowed, before throwing a ping pong paddle to Ragetti.

Ragetti caught it, but he fumbled with it a bit, trying to stall for time.

"Stop playin' with the paddle!" Jack roared, spit flying from his mouth.

Ragetti flinched, and stopped immediately. With a glum face, he announced with a sigh, "All righ'. I'm ready."

"Good!" Jack said, and held up Ragetti's wooden eyeball for all to see. "Let the games… begin!"

He smacked that little wooden eye with all his might, and it came rocketing towards Ragetti. To his credit, Ragetti did try to hit it back to Jack, but, alas, it was all for nothing. The eyabll bounced off the table, and went flying into the wall.

"Point for me!" Jack sang, dancing in a funky little circle. He had just started to do the disco, when Norrington interrupted him.

"Um, Jack, don't you think it's time we get back to the game?" For once, Norrington sounded a little unsure. Well, who can blame him, for Jack _did_ seem a tad unstable.

Jack stopped mid-disco and glared at Norrington. "Clearly," he hissed through gritted teeth. "You do not understand the process of a good victory dance."

He had just gone to retrieve the eye, when Ragetti unwisely piped up, "Yes, a victory dance is all good an' well, but ye 'aven't won yet, 'ave ye?"

Jack slowly turned to Ragetti, wooden eyeball in hand. "Wot did ye say?" His voice was low, and really freaky and dangerous sounding.

"I said… umm… 'ave a cupcake with pink frostin' an' sprinkles on… it?" Ragetti was sweating now, and he looked really nervous.

Jack stalked back over to Ragetti, and grabbed the front of his shirt. "Are ye sure that's wot you said? 'Cause to me, it sounded like ye said I hadn' won yet."

Ragetti gulped, and his one eye glanced around the room, looking for an escape. "Er-um…"

"That is wot you said, I'n't it!" All traces of sanity had left Jack now, and he began to drag Ragrtti around the room, galloping with all his might. Everyone watched this, open-mouthed.

"No, I didn'! I swear it!" Ragetti howled, clearly in distress.

"Then say it!" Jack said, still trotting in circles. "Say I won!"

"Ye won! Ye won!" Ragetti cried, his one eye wide.

Jack promptly dropped Ragetti on the ground. "Okay, then." He did a really bizarre war dance before returning to the ping pong table.

"'O wants ta go next?"


	4. Demonic Glistening Tiara of Doom

Pintel squeezed his eyes shut and held the ping pong paddle in front of him like a shield.

"Why'd I 'ave ta be the sacrifice?" he muttered, opening an eye a bit.

"IT'S AN HONOR, YOU TWIT!" Jack roared. Apparently the insanity hadn't worn off yet.

But Norrington had noticed something. Whenever Jack did something psycho, his 'Ping Pong Master' tiara would glisten wickedly.

But he hadn't told anyone about his discovery. Oh well.

So, there Pintel stood.

Jack sent the wooden eyeball rocketing towards Pintel. Pintel stretched his arms out even further, hoping that he wouldn't be knocked out by the eye of doom.

The eye bounced back to Jack.

"I hit it?" Pintel said incredulously. "I hit it!"

"How dareth thou!" Jack hissed, eyes slitted.

Angry now, Jack smacked the eye back towards his opponent.

His tiara glistened.

The eye hit Pintel right in the middle of his forehead. Pintel collapsed on the ground, moaning in melodramatic agony. He had an eg-sized lump where the eye had hit him.

"Cockadoodledoo!" crowed Jack, as he began another war dance.

Ragetti crawled over to Pintel, and dragged his friend over to a corner.

"You really shouldn't do that to people, Jack. It's not nice," Will said, frowning.

"I'll do wot I like!" Jack snarled. By this time, the tiara was glittering with a blinding light.

"It's the tiara that's making him insane!" Norrington suddenly shouted. "Everyone, try to get it off his head!"

That said, he charged valiantly forward.

Everyone glanced at one another, even Beckett. Then they all ran towards Jack, their eyes on the tiara. Well, Beckett wasn't really running, he was kind of waddling, due to Twiggy the ping pong ball still being up his butt.

They were all ready to snatch the tiara.


	5. Crazy Jack

(Okay, we seem to have gotten off of the subject of "ping pong"…. But never fear! They shall return to their game! Eventually. Once they're done running around the place. XD By the way… I'M EXCITED! I'm going to see Pirates AGAIN for the SIXTH time this weekend! Maybe tomorrow/grooves to the Kraken song/)

**Chapter 4: Crazy Jack**

As they all bounded/waddled towards Jack, they noticed something.

Jack was chanting.

"Great oogly-moogly!" Excalimed Davy Jones. He gestured for Clanker (who had been there all along, hidden in the shadows, but had not been mentioned because I only became obsessed with him two weeks ago) and Maccus to come over. When they got there, he leaped onto their shoulders.

"Comfy?" Clanker muttered, shifting around to form a 'chair' for Jones. Obviously his captain had done this before.

"WHAT WAS THAT!" roared Jones, turning his head completely around twice.

Clanker shut up, looking a little freaked out by Jones's owlish head-twisting. "Er, nothing, captain." He stammered, chomping on a piece of bubblegum.

"Good." Jones chirped. "Now, everyone… CHARGE!"

So they did.

They all rushed straight at Jack, arms outstretched. Pintel and Ragetti were supporting each other, hobbling along quite slowly.

It was then that it happened.

Jack stopped chanting, and stared straight at Norrington.

"COWABUNGA!"

Jack's howl/yodel/opera/screel echoes through the room like a pistol shot. Which is a hard thing to make your voice sound like.

"I feel… cold." Barbossa gasped, stopping in his tracks. He clutched a hand to his chest, and collapsed to the ground. A green apple rolled out from under him. (Get it? Pistol shot/thinks self clever/ XD)

Everyone rolled their eyes. Barbossa thought Jack's voice had been a _real_ pistol shot.

Of course he had…n't. XD

What Jack had really done was place an ancient surfer-dude curse on them.

None of them could move.

"MUAHAHAHAHA!" Cackled Jack, the tiara glinting blindingly. "Ye all be at my mercy now!"


End file.
